It has been a time of change for a good number of my friends in Fort Collins. Their lives have evolved from managing marriage to navigating divorce – and then swimming through the dating pool again. Having been out of the dating scene for 18 years, I have no goddamn idea what it’s like, but I get a hint from the stories my friends share with me. We hear about how dating for divorcees is difficult in this city because we’re still small town and everyone is 6 degrees away from each other. Add that with the fact that some of the single people are single for a reason, as one of my friends reminded me, and dating in Fort Collins can sometimes be a nightmare.
What happened to one of my friends was a straight up dating horror story. But one horror story that should be shared because we have a bad habit of not having difficult conversations in Fort Collins. We’d rather stick our heads in the sand and keep talking about the next “BEST OF EVERYTHING” list we end up on.
So, this story is shared from my perspective, at her suggestion and with her permission (no need to think the writers of Naked Fort Collins are going to write up conversations without permission and breach the trust of our friends…)
My phone rattled as the text notification came through. It was from a friend who is going through the nitty gritty of the divorce process. She had been dipping her toes into the dating pool, moving forward into the next chapter of life. As someone who had been married for a considerably long time, dating again was both exciting and intimidating. It’s a vulnerable time as you break from deeply intertwined history and begin to forge new relationships, even if they are the no-strings attached kind. I expected to see an update about self-discovery and flirty adventures. Instead, it was an update about how much of a dick some guys can be in dating.
“New guy. We fucked a few times. Condoms always. But I don’t babysit condoms or wrappers – once it’s on him, I kind of figure it’s his thing to manage, take off, throw away, etc. I’m with another guy friend and notice a smell.”
“OMG,” I reply.
“He MUST have noticed it too, since he’s eating me out.”
“OMG!!!!” I reply again.
“So I fake a quick O, run to the bathroom to feel around and see if anything is odd or off or what the actual fuck is wrong with my vagina. I can’t find anything but smell. We don’t say anything to each other but I do say I’m tender and something’s not right with me, and I apologize and blow him just to make the whole awkward thing stop. We part ways and kiss good-bye. I get home and I’m still stinky – despite hot tub, hot shower, etc. I make a doctors appointment for this afternoon. Just now, I go pee, but feel like I have to poop, but it’s different and only moms who have had babies know that weird sensation of poop but not… Anywhooooooo two condoms fell out. Not ONE but TWO.”
“Holy fucking shit,” was the only response to that.
“Why the actual fuck did new guy not SAY anything?!?! And now I’m going to the doctor anyway to treat the BV I’m sure I have from condoms from at least a week ago, and getting a full STD panel. How’s that for a single-girl story?!? Ughhhhhhhh.”
“Your body is not a use condom receptacle. How fucking dare he,” another friend in the conversation replied.
And that’s the thing. Condoms come off sometimes. Sometimes you have to fish them out. It happens. But, be a goddamn grownup and say something when it first happens.
“I’m at a loss on what the actual fuck he was thinking by not saying anything and then having it happen TWICE! Like I wouldn’t notice? Which I didn’t until I got a fucking infection!”
“He responded, ‘Sorry! I had no idea! LOL’ and I called bullshit and he said, ‘I really didn’t even think about it. Lol'”
“I totally yelled at him and he was like, ‘Why are you yelling at me? I apologised.'”
And this is where I started flailing around like someone possessed and speaking tongues in a bible belt church. The fact that this dude replied “LOL” to intentionally leaving not one, but two condoms in a woman. What the fuck kind of response is that?! It’s an asshole response – that’s what.
Hey, did you run over my cat and leave it to die in the driveway? “Sorry! I had no idea! LOL”
Sex is messy and there are bound to be blunders. It’s why TLC had that ridiculously cheesy sex injuries show. Grown adults go into it knowing that things can happen, like condom failures. As DJ Khaled so aptly says – “the key to success is…” and the key to successful sex (one-night stand, group sex, long term relationship, doesn’t matter) is communication. Communication like, “Ooops! The condom came off!”
Disrespect like this (and that’s exactly what this is) often leaves women wondering what they did wrong in protecting themselves. Is it now a woman’s responsibility to double check that her partner has taken the used condom off and disposed of it properly? Is that a ball she dropped? Are we destined to helicopter and make sure people are doing as they should? How fucking exhausting.
I’m not sure there’s anything a single woman could have done to prevent this situation from happening. It’s one of those risks that people take in hopping into the sack with a new person. Some people will treat you with respect, and others do not, and sometimes you don’t find out until you get burnt. That’s navigating relationships for you.
Needless to say, this guy’s dick privileges were revoked with my friend. Unfortunately, there’s the chance that another woman could become the next used condom receptacle. Good luck out there, single people of Fort Collins.