Author: Nick Armstrong is a father, husband, and loves to make people laugh. He gives our community a platform to talk about their passions at Ignite Fort Collins.
Hello and welcome to your penis.
This short yet powerful guide will instruct you on the basic operations and functionality of your penis, how it works, why, and when and where it’s OK to stick it somewhere.
Due to an unfathomable oversight, this guide did not ship with the penises of a majority of equipped human models. Please assist us in our endeavor to correct this egregious error by printing this manual and providing it to the nearest errant penis owner.
When arousal occurs, your penis will stiffen and assume an upright position (hereafter referred to as “Erect Mode”). When arousal has subsided, your penis will grow flaccid and return to a somewhat unflattering and shrunken appearance (hereafter referred to as “Flaccid Mode”).
With mild to extreme stimulation by way of touch, heat, vibration, sharp objects, or various foodstuffs while in Erect Mode, your arousal will peak quickly by way of an unsightly release of genetic material and then quickly subside, and your penis will revert to Flaccid Mode.
Penis shape, dimensions, and curvature vary by model. Actual size may vary and is not guaranteed nor does its appearance determine self worth or other physiological or psychological traits. Your penis is issued without warranty and is freely licensed for modification and reproduction if you so choose.
* please see section on “Known Bugs and Errors” for important use and safety information.
What To Do With Your Penis
It should be noted that possession of a penis does not confer any entitlements or benefits, including, but not limited to: nonconsensual sex, shaming another person on any basis (such as gender, sexual orientation, ability, penis size, strength, “manliness”, etc), lewd behavior (such as farting in enclosed spaces, scratching your genitals in public, leering at the reproductive organs of potential sexual partners – real or imagined, and spitting in public), or variable remuneration on the basis of gender.
Designer’s notes: Quite simply, it’s just an extra wad of contextually useful flesh that we ran out of space for in any other place and thought would be mostly fun. We never thought it would be so detrimental to your and others’ happiness. Sorry for all the confusion, we’ll change it up in the next model.
The primary purpose of a penis is to excrete waste (Flaccid Mode) and genetic material (Erect Mode). While it may theoretically be possible to attempt either function in either mode, it is inadvisable at best and physically and socially hazardous at worst.
Do not point your penis at anything or anyone that is not prepared to have a penis pointed at it. To determine if an object or individual is prepared to have a penis pointed at it, it is advisable to first ask, “May I point my penis at you?” While your wording may vary, it should be clear to both you and the intended participants that you intend to point your penis in their direction.
Neither silence nor loss of consciousness nor clothing choice nor preexisting relationship or commitment conveys affirmation or acceptance of the aforementioned penis pointing.
Subtle psychological trickery (also known as “negging”) might prove minimally effective, however it is ultimately inadvisable and continued usage of psychological tricks is detrimental to your long-term ability to use your penis.
Please be aware that while penises can be of great use as a pointing device, depending on your particular make and model, the direction you indicate may not necessarily be precise or straight forward.
Though hilarious, it is inadvisable to utilize your penis as a sundial unless the environment is first cleared of innocent and unconsenting bystanders. The application of sunscreen is advised prior to operation in this manner and accurate display of time is not guaranteed.
It is similarly inadvisable to utilize your penis as an 11th digit or for manual manipulation of sharp objects, gears, presses, vices, or other blunt objects.
It is not recommended that you utilize your penis as a puppet. I.E.: do not attach googly eyes to your penis and attempt to make penis googly eye contact with others. Serious social malfunction is likely to occur. Operation of your penis without proper social courtesies may result in those around you rescinding its continued use.
Most human penises will operate in Flaccid Mode most of the time to conserve power and warmth except in the most inconvenient of circumstances (see Known Bugs and Errors).
Though hilarious, it is inadvisable to utilize your penis as a windmill or fan blade while in Flaccid Mode as tearing may occur.
While the function of excreting bodily waste in Flaccid Mode seems to be relatively straightforward, please be aware that months and/or years of training are required to master this supposedly simple function. Many adults still have not attained mastery of this feat.
Your penis is not a super soaker and should not be used to drench the floors, shoes, walls, toilet, urinal, electric fences, or other surfaces with urine. Careful aim and patience is required to align your outbound stream with the proper target. If careful aim and patience cannot be counted on, you should discontinue use of your penis and/or your legs and initiate a sitting position on the nearest bodily waste reclamation device.
Known Bugs and Errors
Do not attempt to fix bugs, errors, troubleshoot, or operate on your penis on your own as you may only complicate the problem and become frustrated, leading to masturbation exacerbation conflation consternation. Please keep it in your pants when an error occurs. When in doubt, please consult with your nearest penis service station technician.
The function of spreading genetic material is a wide and varied subject upon which many helpful manuals are written (see Kama Sutra, et al). It is advisable to note, however, that your penis is an integrated device; it functions best when paired with ears, eyes, vocal chords, and brain to temper its operation. When paired with other willing individual(s), the possibilities and rewards are virtually limitless.
Please note, failure to initiate Erect Mode, induce climactic arousal in another willing participant, or achieve climactic arousal yourself does not signify your penis is broken. Further, use of a penis-like device by willing individuals in your vicinity does not indicate your penis is performing sub-optimally.
Your penis is a complex device with many varied inputs which may or may not lead to intended results. Please consult with your ears, eyes, vocal chords, and brain in a responsible and socially-aware manner with participating individuals to alleviate any awkward situations that may arise as a result of penis use.
During inclement weather – especially temperatures under 50 degrees fahrenheit, your penis may be especially difficult to operate and/or locate. (Heretofore referred to as “Turtle Mode”).
Warning: your penis may malfunction and assume an aroused state at random and often inconvenient times, such as the morning, during board meetings, visiting relatives, when waiting for the bus, waving to neighbors, or grocery shopping. If this occurs, please consult with the nearest penis service station technician.
If a technician is not available, please do not attempt to service your penis in public as this could lead to serious social malfunction.
Finally, it is worth noting you will tend to get more use out of your penis while being generally polite, kind, humorous, opening doors, and showing courtesy for the individuals around you above and beyond your desire to use your penis.
For further reading, please consult the manual on “Testicles”.
Congratulations and welcome to a world of possibilities.