Our Guest Post author wishes to remain anonymous, a courtesy Naked Fort Collins extends to our readers who would like to share their thoughts and voice on sensitive topics. If you’re interested in contributing a guest post, here are the submission guidelines and directions.
I recently went through a breakup with my boyfriend of two years. There were a number of reasons why it didn’t work out and that’s okay. We’ve kept in touch and though it’s been hard, it’s also been healing as we’ve moved on with our separate journeys.
But this morning I received a letter that I just have to share because I want to dispel the myth of how “size matters” and what women really need when it comes to sex. This is the story I’d like to share.
Was I “enough” for you sexually? I get that we didn’t have sex as much as you wanted. Were we not a match in terms of size? Was that part of your decision to leave? Your choice of toy led me to think about that. Please answer honestly as this will help me cope better.
Now here I have to admit I am confused and surprised. When we first got together he told me a story of a girl he had dated who owned a forearm-sized dildo. (Damn!) Naturally, he had felt inadequate and I made a mental note that though I’d never had any toys myself, I certainly wouldn’t buy anything bigger than him.
Fast forward to Valentine’s Day this year. I’m finding myself single at a Romance Party and at this point, hey, if enough women keep buying these toys they must be doing something right. I decide that I now feel confident enough in myself to have the ability enjoy it and not rely on a man to get me there. I didn’t get anything crazy, just a typical run-of-the-mill toy and felt this would be a good first step. And in a rather naïve move, I shared this information with my ex thinking he’d find solace in the fact that I was getting off with a toy rather than some other guy. Oops. So here’s how I responded.
“Not a match in terms of size? …Your choice of toy led me to think about that.” WHAT THE @#%$ ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!
When we’re talking purely about body types, yes, you were enough. You were made for me. If it makes you feel better (which I’m sure this won’t), I know what it is to be with someone less endowed than you, so size had nothing to do with it. And in terms of my “choice of toy” (&$^% you), you need to know they are nothing compared to the real thing. They’ll never have their own body heat. They’ll never get harder. They’ll never flex or throb inside me. And they’ll certainly never love me. Toys are just to get off and that’s still a lot of work, especially without an emotional connection.
What never seemed to click for us was intimacy. I can’t stress that enough. And I can’t stress enough how important foreplay is. That’s the part where historically I always felt the most intimate with my partners because I was touched, fondled, explored, wanted, desired, lusted after. They were exploring all the parts of my body they found attractive, and would tell me so. This fascinated me and turned me on because someone had shared a new perspective of what can be arousing (and arousing about me). I can’t tell you how wet I can be when I feel properly turned on. And that’s what makes sex incredible. It’s the deepest possible feeling of connection you can have with someone else.
(And as a quick tangent related to feeling turned on, yes, I do love using that as power over my partner. I love using this to my advantage, appropriate or not, as a way to instigate sex right then or just getting it started for later. That’s a vital part of the foreplay game and would get me incredibly wet before we even got into bed. And letting someone have that kind of power over you is okay. I’m as much at their mercy as they are to me because they have that same power. “I am yours and you are mine” and I could give a shit who else knows it or sees it so long as my partner knows it.)
Anyways, after sex, it isn’t just over! Many of my partners would touch all the other parts of my body, run their fingers along my skin, admire me, just look into my eyes. It communicated that they still found me attractive, and desired me, loved everything about my body, loved everything about me. Even though we just had sex it wasn’t about sex at that point. It was about love. It was about intimacy and being completely open and vulnerable to the other person. Trusting that they really could love you that much. Those moments are some of the most important for me in a sexual relationship.
So there you go. Complete honesty. This is everything from my point of view. We didn’t have much sex because we didn’t have much intimacy. It’s that simple. I’m sure not all women share this same attitude towards sex, but it’s how I think of it.
Stop asking yourself if it’s big enough. It’s not your dick size. It’s not even how you use it! It’s how you communicate to someone you’re interested in having sex with them and getting them to reciprocate that communication back to you. The intimacy just makes it that much hotter (and wetter) and in all likelihood, more frequent. Maybe this idea is just a unicorn I’m chasing but I’m okay with hoping that someday I’ll find it and share it with someone else…